Right now, I feel as if I'm just biding my time.
I feel as if I'm someday just going to explode into happiness. I'll find it under a rock somewhere, make it my own, and be totally content with my life.
I believe that because I've already experienced that feeling before. Hell, I'm boarderline content right now. A little more of everything and I'm sure I'll actually be feeling some happiness creep back into my heart.
But sometimes at 4 a.m. I feel alone. And sad. I hear a voice cream into the back of my head
"You were happy before."
"You blew it"
"You're wasting time. Life is going to pass you by."
"You're 23 now, but tomorrow you'll wake up 33, still single, a second cook in a pub."
"Everything was going really well. You let it slip through your fingers, then ran away from the pieces."
"I hope you like cats. That's the only company you'll get for a long time."
...I love cats...
"Your cats will eat your face when you die alone."
"So what!? I'm delicious!"
"Everything you touch, dies."
Then I read for the next 3 hours.